Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
