you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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