Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
