My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
