goodnight i made you a song goodbye
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
