Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
