I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
