the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
