If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
