I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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