GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
