Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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