When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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