Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize