Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
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