I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
