haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
