I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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