Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
