True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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