i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
