There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
