That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
