After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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