I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
