The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
