I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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