Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
