Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
50% drunk capacity currently
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
