Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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