Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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