i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
