did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
