I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
