you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
