Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
