No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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