he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
