My Higher Power is John Stamos
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
