he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
