So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
