She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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