i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
