Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
