I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
