All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
