Umm I'm too high to move.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize