Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
