atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
