Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
never play flip cup with pint glasses
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
