Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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