i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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