Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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