i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
