Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
