this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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