i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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