i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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