need another drink. this is the easiest way
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
