There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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