God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
